Regaining control in uncertain times

Photo by Patryk Grądys on Unsplash

I recently read an interesting article, written by Dr. Paul Harrison, on the psychological reasons behind the current panic buy of toilet paper here in Australia:

https://www.finder.com.au/why-are-people-panic-buying

With several crisis hitting us one after the other, there is an overall feeling of loss of control over ones own destiny. A lot of people resort to problem solving in order to reduce the feeling of un-ease they are facing. Having something to do in stressful circumstances will give a person a sense of being grounded and will typically reduce the feelings of distress.

However they way we end up reducing our uncertainty is not necessarily based on a lot of rational thought.

The study of emotional intelligence teaches us that we base ourselves mostly on feelings or emotions when taking decisions. See for example Daniel Goleman: there is no such thing as pure rational decision making, all our decisions are emotional to start with, we typically fill in some rational explanation later on).

“Don’t tell me where your priorities are. Show me where you spend your money and I’ll tell you what they are.” —James W. Frick

In many of the so-called western or capitalist countries, big parts of the population have bought into (pun intended) the idea of using money and buying something in order to solve a problem.

Buying something very utilitarian like toilet paper helps because it's a very common and well known article and so it doesn't require much thinking to understand we will need it in case we find ourselves face with a full-blown crisis.

Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

We humans love to think we can control our lives, our environment, the weather, the ups and downs of the economy or how other people will think or react. The latter being a typical mistake that leads to misunderstandings, a break-down of communication and ultimately a lack of trust between people.

Although it might sometimes feel that control is just an illusion, there are several resourceful things we can do to regain some degree of control over our lives.

Circle of Control

Stephen Covey came up with the concept of the Circles of Influence and Control. The main purpose was to help people understand that they do have control over a great many things. See below diagram:

In a nutshell, the exercise goes like this:

1. Start by drawing a largest circle, which is the Circle of Concern and put all the things you worry about in there on sticky notes. Really take your time thinking about what pre-occupies you and write it all down (this act alone might alleviate some of the pressure already).
2. Draw the smallest circle, the Circle of Control in the middle and move all those things you really have control over in there. Be realistic here and only put things in there you truly do have in your control (if you are depended on what other people do for example it's outside of your immediate control)
3. Draw an intermediate circle (the Circle of Influence) and move all the items that are still a concern for which we find that we do not have immediate control, but at least can influence them, into that circle.
4. For all the items that are now still left in the outer Circle of Concern, use these steps:
• Image the worst case scenario and look at what the impact on your life really would be, plus how you could move on.
• Now look at what the probability for this worst case scenario is.
• Now that you have thought of the worst, think of the most likely outcome of this concern and what the impact would then be.
• Just by having a more realistic appreciation of the concern, the anxiety you might have around it, might already be reduced.

Being proactive

When it comes to whether or not we are in control, it's important to be aware of how external events shape our behaviour.

Stephen's first habit was 'Be Proactive', see the list below of the well known '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'. For a definition of 'effective' see my article on 'Being Busy'.

He explains that there are generally speaking two ways people behave:

• reactive: a reactive person depends on the external events for his or her next step and is subject to emotions that are present at that moment. Reactive people will wait for chances to come by, for situations to change or people who are. They often feel the victim of fate, and not at all in control of their own destiny.
• Proactive: proactive people take responsibility for their own actions and choices. They feel accountable for what life throws at them. They also find opportunity in situations most people might consider setbacks.

Another popular way to describe this is “being above or below the line” or “being at cause or at effect”. When it comes to developing our emotional intelligence, we start by becoming aware of our own emotions. Once we become aware of our emotions, we can start listening to the thoughts that come up when noticing the external event in the first place. These thoughts give meaning to the event and ultimately create the emotion. When we have acquired a sufficient level of awareness, we can create a pause between the thoughts (self-talk, inner dialogue, …) and the emotions that follow.

And what you do in that pause is where we define whether we are at cause or at effect: do we take responsibility of our behaviour, or do we assume we are at the mercy of the world around ourselves?

Goal setting

The second habit of Highly Effective people was described as 'Start with the End in Mind'. This is where goal setting comes in. I described goal setting in an earlier article.

When you have set very clear goals and priorities in your life, you create a vision of where you are going in your life. This vision should be as detailed and as specific as possible so you can literally see, feel, hear and taste the result.

This helps you plan the steps necessary to attain the goal and if you align your actions with your goals, you will have gained a significant amount of control in your life.

Be Flexible

Finally, do not fall in the trap of trying to control every aspect of your life. As pointed out before, there are too many factors that are outside of our control.

In order to live with those, we would do well to adhere to one of the fundamental presuppositions of NLP (or Neuro-Linguistic Programming):

The person with the most flexible behaviour will control the system

This is the law of requisite variety from systems theory. It means the person with the most options and behavioural choices will control the system. In any field, the top people in that field are those who have the most variety in their behaviour. They have choices of behaviour that their colleagues don’t. Any time you limit your behavioural choices you give others the competitive edge. If you’re able to respond to any situation in a variety of ways, you are more likely to get your outcome.